如果

已经躺在床上准备要睡觉的我…莫名地有了好多的想法，好多的“如果”突然间浮现在我脑海里。

是不是命运弄人？还是上帝特别的疼爱我，眷顾我，所以让我走一条与常人不同的路？过着不一般的人生，只为了让我得到得更多？我不明白。有人说：命运里要对抗的，到底是天还是人？有时候我会埋怨，为什么自己从小就没有爸爸，如果我有爸爸的话，现在的人生又会怎样？从小，我就以为没有爸爸是正常的，一直到父亲节，老师让我们写感激的话给爸爸；直到要父母来拿成绩册的那天，我才发现别人都有爸爸，只有我是不一样的…我也想要有爸爸，如果我也有个爸爸，那会是怎样的呢？

为什么我生来长相就不比人好看？？说的难听一点，为什么我长得比别人丑？有时候真的会觉得自己很讨人厌，又肥又丑的，根本就不讨人喜欢。就算尽了最大的努力，别人也不会看见，没有人会感激，没有人会知道原来有这样的一个人…如果..如果我长得跟别人一样..我不需要长得很帅…一般就好…那该有多好？别人一定会多看我一眼…不会忽视我的存在。如果是那样该有多好？如果是那样，我的人生又会是怎样的呢？

为什么？为什么我不比别人聪明？为什么我就是那么笨？…做什么东西都要比别人付出更多，就连读书也要比别人读的更久，花更多的心思，可是出来的成绩，一点都不对称。人家说：一分耕耘，一分收获。我明白这个道理，可是往往付出的更本就得不到该有的收获。我该怨谁？都怪自己笨，比别人付出的努力还不够…可是就算再加倍的努力，我就会得到我想要的吗？我很困绕…为什么有些人就是聪明？有些人只读了一次就记得了？ 有些人不需要付出很大的努力就能拿到很好，很优秀的成绩…为什么？为什么我不是他们？如果我是他们的话，那该有多好？如果我很聪明的话，那就会有更多的人发现我的存在，得到老师们的赏识，长辈们也会更加的疼爱。如果我是聪明的人，那我的人生又会是怎样的呢？

为什么我不比别人有钱？为什么我的家境那么贫穷？需要的东西都要三思…为什么别人可以要什么，买什么，要什么，有什么？而我，却连自己的梦想，因一个“钱”而放弃了我从小到大的梦想，志愿。医生，牙医，我根本连想的机会都没有。就算我的成绩可以念医课那又怎样？这个世界是很现实的，你没有钱就什么都不行。接受现实吧，你，永远都不会有出头的一天！为什么？？？为什么要我走那么艰辛的路…我很累了…真的。如果我有钱，那该有多好？那么我就不必为了学费的事情烦恼，念我喜欢念的科系，做我喜欢做的事，买我喜欢的东西，有我自己的人生。如果我很有钱，我的人生会是怎样的呢？

可是若每个人都抱着这种想法的话，那不就世界末日了吗？全部人都跑去跳楼自杀算了。当你有得比别人少时，你觉得那是上帝不照顾你，但你错了。上帝让你拥有的比别人少，是因为当你有时，你就知道你付出与学习的都比别人还要多。从小就没爸爸，是为了让你懂得珍惜家人，长大后更疼爱自己的孩子。长相，是很抽象的东西，觉得好看的东西，的确大家会喜欢，但久了，好看的东西也得有好的内在。你，也不算上很丑。上帝让每个人长得怎样都有它的原因。你长得这样，拥有的是其他人所没有的。大家都一样。其实，并没有丑与不丑，但如果你自己一直觉得自己丑，那你就是丑，想改变别人的想法，先要改变自己的。不要一直埋怨，省些力气，好好的进展自己，发挥自己。

智慧，上帝给予你或他的智慧通常都是一样的，没有别人比较聪明或是什么。不一样的是你自己的读书方式。都对了，一读就进脑，开始分析，学习别人读书的方式或许是一个不错的方法。自己读得久不好吗？读得久你就会知道，以后的你比其他人都还要能够坚持下去，更有耐心，因为你比他们都还要清楚什么是一分耕耘，一分收获。钱？你去羡慕那些有钱的人？那你就大错特错。有钱的是他们的爸爸！当你在羡慕着他们有钱时，不如想想看他们到底有什么值得你去羡慕的。一点都不值得！因为你在羡慕着一件“死”的东西。羡慕他们有钱，不如想想看该如何赚钱。比起埋怨，努力的证明给自己还有别人看，命运还是掌握在自己手里的，那不是更好吗？应家人以你为傲，而不是你处处以家人为傲。

如果，是很抽象，不切实际，不会发生的。如果，的确不存在，但他给予你梦想。人，因梦想而伟大！

Regret

What can you do really, when things sucked to the max? Well, I guess all I can say is, yeah I screwed up again. Sometimes, things just doesn’t flow in the way it used to be, the way we want, it just out of our expectation, beyond our limit to get it right.

After you burst everything out of rage, you start to regret. Yeah, that`s me. Ironically that`s my line and I always fall into this shit situation. I just can`t control my emotion, I fail to manage it and let my anger get over my head. They say Rome wasn`t built in a day, and yet what a difference a day makes. It rings so true and fits so right in my situation, almost everytime I must say.

Today, I was in a fight with my mum, over a really stupid matter. And to entertain and get you audience to a higher peak which I must say, climax perhaps, I get my sis into this. And, yeah , congratulation! I end up fighting with my mum and my sis...which I really regret right after…yeah, right after! I hate myself being a shithole sometimes and honestly yeah I admit that I have a bad temper and seriously I have to fix it.

I regret. Seriously regret for what I have done but what is done is done. And I just did apologize and say sorry to my mum but it doesn`t help much. I`m sad. I just hope that this will be a lesson, a lesson that I will learn and don`t freaking repeat it in the future. I love my mum, I just hope that she can see this…I don`t wish to hurt your heart, please forgive me. I love you most . 

Choice

Today , i have something to say. Just recently i was granted the privilege of choice, yet again. Now i`m eternally grateful for the fact that i have always been fortunate enough to choose how i wan to direct my days and my life. I get to choose what to wear and how to present myself, i get to choose what i want to do with myself, i get to choose what if my favourite food i want to eat later...etc.

But this is a different kind of "choice". This one here that i have on my lap, this is scary. This is dilemma, and the reality of it is that this is the kind of choice that, if chosen wrongly, would be looked upon with regret of many many years to come in the future.

What if i regret my decision? How am i going to face them after this? What if i don`t get what i want? What if he turns out to be the wrong person? What if i`m letting go of something invaluable? What if i hate myself for this?

Yesterday i cracked my head trying to figure out what i wanted. It kept me from sleeping, and had me feeling nervous the entire day.

Today i realized that there is really no need for me to be so torn up over this. I have been terrifying and doubting myself in so many ways that it has already taken a turn towards negativity, and that is simply not sustainable at all, which is why i`m going to let go. I haven`t come to a decision yet, but im not going to be afraid anymore.

I will not regret my decision. because regret is only a fantasy that your insecurities craft, a nightmare of sorts and blah blah blah...and it never helps a thing. One month from now wherever i found myself then, regarless of what i have chosen today, i have faith that it is nothing but meant to be. All this while i was trying to protect myself from the regret that i would potentially feel,but today, i see that this is ridiculous. This is life, there is nothing right or wrong decision, everything just is.

So,don`t regret anything, ever. Yeah, so things could have been different. You could be living in a bigger house right now, be married to a different person, have different roommates, etc. Your life could have taken on millions of different paths, but open up your eyes. Take a look around at the room you are in, and the people you are now surrounded with. This is it where it has led you, and this is where you are now.

I won`t regret. Regret ain`t gonna change a thing. And it`s such a pain in the ass.

Let it go, wherever it is. Your life is perfect. Believe it.

What i can say

What happens, really, when you hit rock bottom? I guess all i can say is that the best thing about being at the bottom is that the only other way is to go is up.

So here it is. I wont say i know how you feel, but i will tell you how i felt. I felt like disappearing. I felt so fudging stupid. I wanted to hit myself real hard on the head. To sum it up, i wanted to die. I felt like i was dying inside, and im not exaggerating. That period of time is now a faded memory, but if i dig deep down and remember every detail, it still hurts a little.

But listen. Sometimes shit happens, and you make the wrong choices, or you do the wrong things, or you dont do the things that you are supposed to do, and then things wind up being fcked up beyond comparison, and you have this impulse to knock your head against the wall repeatedly because you could have done this differently, and then things would have been different -- better maybe. But there is something to learn in everything that happens, no matter how minute or insignificant these things may seem .

Well , maybe it is okay to have screwed up. Because that is what people do, and i know that is no excuse, but that really doesnt matter as much as how they react to it, and how they fix it whilst moving on. Life was never meant to be easy, and if it was, then we'll never learn anything, and we'll never grow.

So let go is what i decided to do and i did and am still trying now . There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. It rings so true and fits so right. The past may have been great, it may have sucked, but it doesnt matter, because you guys are here now, and everything must have fallen into place perfectly.

So , keep bouncing back khai leong ! 

Life

Sometimes , I imagine life like a piano. The white keys represent happiness, while the black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys make the music too. ”