I am back

Good day people!

Well, clearly, it appears that my has gone into abandonment, but i'm not giving up yet! I refuse to remove despite this site having gone un-updated for months, because i know that i still have way to much to learn, and i want to share all of this with you guys. I love this blog, and am thankful for the existence of a space for me to express and expand the best of myself.

Well, yeah, i've been going through some miserable periods and even been stricken with negativity. Well, i guess i just seem to be unable to grasp that invigorating sense of energy. It's gone ... somewhere, and this has been preventing me from signing into this account and updating for, like a year? 

But, here it is. I am back ! Be ready ! Haha =P

Yo !

It has been a long time since my last post here. Guess I`ll need to visit back this place yeah~ haha =P

Today

Today, in complete innocence, I pulled on my one and only Beatles tee and walked out of my home, mind and spirit still very much asleep. I got a well-timed awakening.

Call it an epiphany if you will, but I've been going through some down times recently, and very much needed some Awesome reaffirming in myself. Maybe it was the caffeine rush that helped boost this, but I am truly grateful to say that right now, I embody the spirit of Living In Every Now Moment.

This equates to what you have now, what you have been going through recently, all your rough patches, everything that didn't work out, all that you want, all that you cannot get... it all constitutes your now moment, and it is all perfect.

Because you're here now, and everything must have fallen into place perfectly. =)

Everything is going to be all right

One week ago, the core on which i had placed of all my dreams came apart at the seams, and it was, by far, the worst emotion i have ever had to experience. But within hours i was healing, and within days i had bounced back. A little deflated yes, but bounce back i did.

The reality of everything came tumbling down, and as with some people who are forced to be realistic, i so very nearly lost hope and gave up. I was on the edge, i was.

But hope, you see, is such an amazing thing. And so impossibly lucky am i, that in this exact Now moment, i have Hope.

First i must clarify that it is important to know when to let go, but it is even more important to know when to hold on, and when to not give up. Perhaps by the definitions of other people i am being "foolish", but i follow my heart, and i cannot deny that my heart is foolish :)

The past few days of mine have been absolutely swamped by sorry-cant-tell-u matter, that i am probably this close to losing it. But then some small things happened and it brings me back to speed, reminding me to breathe, and to relax, and that everything is going to be all right.

And even without this Hope, everything will be fine. Because on this journey that we're all in together, if it isn't fine, then it isn't over. So throw a handstand. Run around naked. Have faith because it's never too late. Absolutely.

Best day in my degree life =)

I feel so happy right now. It's amazing. I feel like giggling, or maybe laughing out so loud that i'd give rise to shouts of “shut up!” from my roommates. I want to jump, i want to dance, i want to hug people. I want you to know that you're such a lovely being, and that you're perfectly amazing as you are right now, with all your flaws. It doesn't matter if something happened to make you think that you're perhaps not thin enough, not fat enough, not tall enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not happy enough, not interesting enough, not kind enough, not WHATEVER enough. Don't listen to yourself, because YOU ARE AMAZING. Seriously, i`m feeling like on top of the world now. Somebody slaps me please. =D

I never felt so happy before after entering degree life. I feel so blessed. I am happy. =DDD I hope that everything will go right and you are what I need for the following 4 years. I care about you. Yes, I can! I believe that I can treasure this. I won`t let it slip off again this time. "Believe in yourself, because you are absolutely amazing." 

Although the past has not been too convincing, but chill! Just let go. Zoom OUT. Do you see now, all the insecurities and fears and sadness and pain you are withholding? It's not gold, so why are you keeping that? Let it go and accept the changes. Adapt to it and who knows something greater is waiting ahead? ^^ Gingerly, take one step out of that circle of negative energy, and free yourself. Live your life to the max. Forget and forgive. Believe in yourself, it`s never been this great. Appreciate this moment. The sky is yours. The earth is yours. Your life is yours.

Busy days

New Uni life after entering degree programme,
it has been so busy and hectic.

Studies.

Outings.

Lectures.

And I am feeling like missing something in my life.

I just dont know what it is.

I just sort of feel empty in me.

Yes. The emptiness strikes me again.

My recent sleepless nights.

Maybe its just in my dreams or whatsoever.

Idk.

My feelings.

Its hard to be described.

Its just too confusing.

I had been trying my best to show my smile everytime.

Even though I am not feeling good deep in me

Still I'll have smile it out.

Having problems in every way.

From love to studies.

I just dont know the way to face it.

That's why I managed everything of my own badly.

Maybe I should just stop doing so much.

Stop thinking too much.

Just let it be.

I had been saying that since last year foundation.

Am I really that pathetic? 

I'll be having a steamboat as a farewell dinner for Amber, 

a friend of mine tonight.

I'll be happy I told myself.

I'll try.

Leave everything to the God.

I did my best and God will do the rest for me. =)

And for a little bonus, I know a guy from last year april batch foundation.

I like him a lot =D

I hope that we can be new best friend forever.

I am making my move, 

hopefully, I will find a true friend at last. 

Cheers !!! Hehe...

Well, I hope myself will get through all of these tough times and pray for good time ahead.

God bless me. May the spirits be with me ! XD

Memories

When people asked you to smile, ask yourself.

Are you really smiling from your bottom heart ?

Everything's lost except;

the beauty scenes are still wandering in my mind.

I dreamed I hoped.

But, it just could not make it rights.

Oh dear, it`s memories, memories, memories.
How I wish, those moments would be back to me. 

Isit so?

"Often times we caught up in trying to measure worth and analyse every detail, every tiny pieces of a situation that we forget to consider what those pictures can create. Things that look like worthless junk can in fact turn into smaller pieces of a picture that is leading you to an ultimate happy ending or beginning."

And everthing that seems so hopeless and futile and lost right now, is only one tiny part of the big picture. Sometimes we get too up close with certain things that we fail to see how it all contributes to the bigger story.

But it`s quite easy, really. All you have to do is, take a step back, and smile. =)

But sometimes, I do wonder. Am I being too optimistic ???

Change

Changes

in our lives,

I had seen enough of it.

My friends,

my family members,

my loved ones.

People

don't change at our will.

They change at theirs.

I smiled,

I laughed,

and I know

I can do nothing to change them

Just live with it.

I don't wanna care anymore.

=/

Just it.

Those sleepless nights are over

I am better than ever

I felt so alive

I had been through harder times

These days may be hard

but it's not hard enough to bring me down

I woke up from a dream

a nightmare

This is it.

Everything's over.

Stick to my principles of my life

-Eat while you can

-Play while you can

-Smile while you can

-Drunk while you can

-Enjoy while you can

This is myself

This is ME

=)

Can you meet me halfway?

I can't go on further than this.

I want you so bad, it's my only wish

=]

Need you now- Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories, Scattered all around the floor.

 Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.

 And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time. 

 It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.

 Said I wouldn’t call  but I lost all control and I need you now. 

 And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.  

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door. 

Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.

 And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time. 

 It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk, And I need you now. 

Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now. 

 And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now. 

 Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all. 

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now. 

And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now. 

And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

 I just need you now. Oh baby I need you now.

We. Now is only me.

I sat down

looking through our pictures, movie tickets

My tears dropping one by one

I wiped it off

knowing i will have to be strong

to get over this

You are the one who's with me everytime

You're the one who share my everything with me

You're the one whom i had sacrificed a lot for

I believe there's a rainbow after the rain

I missed you through sleepless nights

I know its time to say goodbye

I know this friendship not gonna work anymore

Maybe a number of days

or a couple of weeks

or a few months

I'm going to leave out all the rest

I tell myself

I slapped myself

I cried

and I know

these times would be hard.

I showed cruelty to you

as i did to myself.

If i will have a final say about how much u mean to me

I wouldn't say anything

because there's no words that can describe your importance in my life.

So

we just let it be

Let the time pass

I'm sure

You and me

we will be fine.

I close my eyes

say my prayers to the god.

Hope that you will be fine and me either.

This is the full stop of our friendship.

i appreciate it and i really do.

It`s rather an OMG situation

Imagine this -à you're going to the movies. You enter the theater, sink into your cushioned seat with your bucket of popcorn in one hand and drink in the other, and begin to relax. Ten minutes into the movie, a faint, ebbing, horribly familiar sensation starts to tingle within yourself. This sensation gets stronger, and in twenty minutes you can't help but face the cold, crushing reality --à you need to pee.

You force yourself to suppress the urge, because even though god forbid you find yourself sitting in a pool of stale yellow piss in the middle of the cinema, you just don't want to miss any part of the movie. So you hold it thirty minutes...and another thirty minutes... and another thirty minutes... and the movie never seems to end! You almost want to give up and just go to the toilet but really, isn't the show finishing soon already? Why miss the ending?

Such a situation was one i found myself caught in yesterday, and amidst all that, it struck me how uncanny it was that the hardships we face in life are similar to the bladders that torment us while we sit in the cinema.

For example, yesterday, the show seemed like it was never gonna end. It somehow took constant reminding of myself that the show was too good to miss. And I, in the end, chose to stay in the theater and finished the show.

On one hand the actors were utterly amazing and the story was fascinating, exciting, but on the other hand my insides were threatening to explode all over the audience!

And horrible are the crucial moments after the show where you dash to the toilet to find that you're not the first one there, and your destination is so close yet so far, and again you nearly give up and wet yourself, but really,you can't. So you stand there and entertain the creeping sensation that your brain is about to explode, suffering, before you reach your sanctuary that is the toilet bowl and wunderbar! the most amazing sensation comes over you and you are filled with the gratifying sense of euphoria, because not only did you finish your movie, you also did not wet yourself in the process!

Which is how certain challenges and hardships we face are. Sometimes shit happens and you can't see the end of the tunnel, and hopelessness and despair takes over, and you're about to lose focus and tell yourself that really, maybe it isn't that worth it, just so you can get out of here and stop the madness.

But halt!

Here is where you take a pause, and breathe. And smile. And remember that your pot of gold is patiently awaiting you at the end of it all. And realize that your goals are truly worth all the hardships that threaten to bring you down. And know that all of these is making you stronger by the day. And understand that you're the one that choose to be in the situation you are in. And that you can get out of there anytime you like. But you're still there, because you choose to stay.

And remember, that when you survive through it all, the feeling that overcomes you is going to be as great as when you release the contents fo your spiling bladder after holding it for several hours. In fact, it might be even greater too.

Pain

I`m not ignoring you, pain. I`m being with you, but not letting you take me, all of me. You cannot have 100% of my focus. I will not re-act through my pain. I will act more consciously from my heart and soul.

You may have taken over me for some time, but you have reminded me that I want to be LOVE in every moment. You have reminded me that, to be inspiring is to be inspired. You moved me to pause and notice the beauty that surrounds me and that is inside me.

Pain, you showed me a lot and now you`re coming back. But that is okay, I will now take you as a reminder to show me who I want to be even in the face of pain.

如果

已经躺在床上准备要睡觉的我…莫名地有了好多的想法，好多的“如果”突然间浮现在我脑海里。

是不是命运弄人？还是上帝特别的疼爱我，眷顾我，所以让我走一条与常人不同的路？过着不一般的人生，只为了让我得到得更多？我不明白。有人说：命运里要对抗的，到底是天还是人？有时候我会埋怨，为什么自己从小就没有爸爸，如果我有爸爸的话，现在的人生又会怎样？从小，我就以为没有爸爸是正常的，一直到父亲节，老师让我们写感激的话给爸爸；直到要父母来拿成绩册的那天，我才发现别人都有爸爸，只有我是不一样的…我也想要有爸爸，如果我也有个爸爸，那会是怎样的呢？

为什么我生来长相就不比人好看？？说的难听一点，为什么我长得比别人丑？有时候真的会觉得自己很讨人厌，又肥又丑的，根本就不讨人喜欢。就算尽了最大的努力，别人也不会看见，没有人会感激，没有人会知道原来有这样的一个人…如果..如果我长得跟别人一样..我不需要长得很帅…一般就好…那该有多好？别人一定会多看我一眼…不会忽视我的存在。如果是那样该有多好？如果是那样，我的人生又会是怎样的呢？

为什么？为什么我不比别人聪明？为什么我就是那么笨？…做什么东西都要比别人付出更多，就连读书也要比别人读的更久，花更多的心思，可是出来的成绩，一点都不对称。人家说：一分耕耘，一分收获。我明白这个道理，可是往往付出的更本就得不到该有的收获。我该怨谁？都怪自己笨，比别人付出的努力还不够…可是就算再加倍的努力，我就会得到我想要的吗？我很困绕…为什么有些人就是聪明？有些人只读了一次就记得了？ 有些人不需要付出很大的努力就能拿到很好，很优秀的成绩…为什么？为什么我不是他们？如果我是他们的话，那该有多好？如果我很聪明的话，那就会有更多的人发现我的存在，得到老师们的赏识，长辈们也会更加的疼爱。如果我是聪明的人，那我的人生又会是怎样的呢？

为什么我不比别人有钱？为什么我的家境那么贫穷？需要的东西都要三思…为什么别人可以要什么，买什么，要什么，有什么？而我，却连自己的梦想，因一个“钱”而放弃了我从小到大的梦想，志愿。医生，牙医，我根本连想的机会都没有。就算我的成绩可以念医课那又怎样？这个世界是很现实的，你没有钱就什么都不行。接受现实吧，你，永远都不会有出头的一天！为什么？？？为什么要我走那么艰辛的路…我很累了…真的。如果我有钱，那该有多好？那么我就不必为了学费的事情烦恼，念我喜欢念的科系，做我喜欢做的事，买我喜欢的东西，有我自己的人生。如果我很有钱，我的人生会是怎样的呢？

可是若每个人都抱着这种想法的话，那不就世界末日了吗？全部人都跑去跳楼自杀算了。当你有得比别人少时，你觉得那是上帝不照顾你，但你错了。上帝让你拥有的比别人少，是因为当你有时，你就知道你付出与学习的都比别人还要多。从小就没爸爸，是为了让你懂得珍惜家人，长大后更疼爱自己的孩子。长相，是很抽象的东西，觉得好看的东西，的确大家会喜欢，但久了，好看的东西也得有好的内在。你，也不算上很丑。上帝让每个人长得怎样都有它的原因。你长得这样，拥有的是其他人所没有的。大家都一样。其实，并没有丑与不丑，但如果你自己一直觉得自己丑，那你就是丑，想改变别人的想法，先要改变自己的。不要一直埋怨，省些力气，好好的进展自己，发挥自己。

智慧，上帝给予你或他的智慧通常都是一样的，没有别人比较聪明或是什么。不一样的是你自己的读书方式。都对了，一读就进脑，开始分析，学习别人读书的方式或许是一个不错的方法。自己读得久不好吗？读得久你就会知道，以后的你比其他人都还要能够坚持下去，更有耐心，因为你比他们都还要清楚什么是一分耕耘，一分收获。钱？你去羡慕那些有钱的人？那你就大错特错。有钱的是他们的爸爸！当你在羡慕着他们有钱时，不如想想看他们到底有什么值得你去羡慕的。一点都不值得！因为你在羡慕着一件“死”的东西。羡慕他们有钱，不如想想看该如何赚钱。比起埋怨，努力的证明给自己还有别人看，命运还是掌握在自己手里的，那不是更好吗？应家人以你为傲，而不是你处处以家人为傲。

如果，是很抽象，不切实际，不会发生的。如果，的确不存在，但他给予你梦想。人，因梦想而伟大！

Regret

What can you do really, when things sucked to the max? Well, I guess all I can say is, yeah I screwed up again. Sometimes, things just doesn’t flow in the way it used to be, the way we want, it just out of our expectation, beyond our limit to get it right.

After you burst everything out of rage, you start to regret. Yeah, that`s me. Ironically that`s my line and I always fall into this shit situation. I just can`t control my emotion, I fail to manage it and let my anger get over my head. They say Rome wasn`t built in a day, and yet what a difference a day makes. It rings so true and fits so right in my situation, almost everytime I must say.

Today, I was in a fight with my mum, over a really stupid matter. And to entertain and get you audience to a higher peak which I must say, climax perhaps, I get my sis into this. And, yeah , congratulation! I end up fighting with my mum and my sis...which I really regret right after…yeah, right after! I hate myself being a shithole sometimes and honestly yeah I admit that I have a bad temper and seriously I have to fix it.

I regret. Seriously regret for what I have done but what is done is done. And I just did apologize and say sorry to my mum but it doesn`t help much. I`m sad. I just hope that this will be a lesson, a lesson that I will learn and don`t freaking repeat it in the future. I love my mum, I just hope that she can see this…I don`t wish to hurt your heart, please forgive me. I love you most . 

Choice

Today , i have something to say. Just recently i was granted the privilege of choice, yet again. Now i`m eternally grateful for the fact that i have always been fortunate enough to choose how i wan to direct my days and my life. I get to choose what to wear and how to present myself, i get to choose what i want to do with myself, i get to choose what if my favourite food i want to eat later...etc.

But this is a different kind of "choice". This one here that i have on my lap, this is scary. This is dilemma, and the reality of it is that this is the kind of choice that, if chosen wrongly, would be looked upon with regret of many many years to come in the future.

What if i regret my decision? How am i going to face them after this? What if i don`t get what i want? What if he turns out to be the wrong person? What if i`m letting go of something invaluable? What if i hate myself for this?

Yesterday i cracked my head trying to figure out what i wanted. It kept me from sleeping, and had me feeling nervous the entire day.

Today i realized that there is really no need for me to be so torn up over this. I have been terrifying and doubting myself in so many ways that it has already taken a turn towards negativity, and that is simply not sustainable at all, which is why i`m going to let go. I haven`t come to a decision yet, but im not going to be afraid anymore.

I will not regret my decision. because regret is only a fantasy that your insecurities craft, a nightmare of sorts and blah blah blah...and it never helps a thing. One month from now wherever i found myself then, regarless of what i have chosen today, i have faith that it is nothing but meant to be. All this while i was trying to protect myself from the regret that i would potentially feel,but today, i see that this is ridiculous. This is life, there is nothing right or wrong decision, everything just is.

So,don`t regret anything, ever. Yeah, so things could have been different. You could be living in a bigger house right now, be married to a different person, have different roommates, etc. Your life could have taken on millions of different paths, but open up your eyes. Take a look around at the room you are in, and the people you are now surrounded with. This is it where it has led you, and this is where you are now.

I won`t regret. Regret ain`t gonna change a thing. And it`s such a pain in the ass.

Let it go, wherever it is. Your life is perfect. Believe it.

What i can say

What happens, really, when you hit rock bottom? I guess all i can say is that the best thing about being at the bottom is that the only other way is to go is up.

So here it is. I wont say i know how you feel, but i will tell you how i felt. I felt like disappearing. I felt so fudging stupid. I wanted to hit myself real hard on the head. To sum it up, i wanted to die. I felt like i was dying inside, and im not exaggerating. That period of time is now a faded memory, but if i dig deep down and remember every detail, it still hurts a little.

But listen. Sometimes shit happens, and you make the wrong choices, or you do the wrong things, or you dont do the things that you are supposed to do, and then things wind up being fcked up beyond comparison, and you have this impulse to knock your head against the wall repeatedly because you could have done this differently, and then things would have been different -- better maybe. But there is something to learn in everything that happens, no matter how minute or insignificant these things may seem .

Well , maybe it is okay to have screwed up. Because that is what people do, and i know that is no excuse, but that really doesnt matter as much as how they react to it, and how they fix it whilst moving on. Life was never meant to be easy, and if it was, then we'll never learn anything, and we'll never grow.

So let go is what i decided to do and i did and am still trying now . There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. It rings so true and fits so right. The past may have been great, it may have sucked, but it doesnt matter, because you guys are here now, and everything must have fallen into place perfectly.

So , keep bouncing back khai leong ! 

Life

Sometimes , I imagine life like a piano. The white keys represent happiness, while the black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys make the music too. ”

Owowh,..

Foundation life in Aimst ended...and now at home so boring....wakaka...Somehow wish that the holidays end faster so that can go back to aimst and meet my friends...Kinda miss Jia min , Justin , Fiona ,Travis , Tun Ru them...hmm...hope they can make it back to aimst and me too >,<...god bless me...